eeps her docile. go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find. - step on it. - why doesn't erin seem sad? - [giggles] [phone chimes] - has she found someone new or something? and if so, why hasn't e told me? is she trying to spare my feelings? during breakups, the mind goes to some crazy, dark places. - andy, don't. no good can come from snooping. - i'm not snooping. there's just some crud on her screen. - you're clearly snooping. - that's kind of uncool, man. - andy. - aw, come on. - that's her private property. - boo! - uh, hello? who's snooping on who now? - what does that even mean? everyone, just... - what's it say? - please stop. - put it down. - come on, andy. - yeah, put it down. - that's her private property. - oh, my god.

- see? - that's what nosy'll get you. - told you so. - it just doesn't make any sense. - darryl, clark, kevin, toby, plop, take a knee. all right, you guys are gonna think i'm psycho again. couldn't shake this feeling that erin's dating someone, so i looked at her phone. - man, you can't do that stuff. you'll only find pain. when my ex-wife got into my email account, she was devastated. - too late. i found out she's been texting a guy named pete. does anybody know a pete? - pete. - hmm. - petwhat? - it just occurred to me that andy has been calling me plop for so long, he forgot my real name... which is pete.

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go olive garden. you blink 60 percent less, which can dry out your eyes. but 9 out of 10 acuvue® oasys brand coact lens wearers say their eyes feel comfortable while in front of a computer. oh, my gosh, that's amazing. [ female announcer ] ask your dtor for acuvue® oasys brand. and see what could be®. for acuvue® oasys brand. - hey. there she is. - [chuckles] how you doing? - hi. hey, do i look okay? - you look great. - okay. - yeah. - what's that? is that a-- - okay, i know where you're going with this, and this is who i am now. i'm a douche. but look what i can do with my hands. - [giggles] - gotta go. vip just walked through the door. - how are you, isaac? you have something in your ear. - it's a phone. - yes, it is, and thank you so much for setting up this opportunity. i really appreciate it. - of course. anything for team halpert. you're gonna crush it, pam. - thanks. - you are gonna crush it. - mm. - wow, i missed you.

- wait, are you saying that into the phone, or are you saying that to me? - call you right back. what were you saying? - ha-ha. - aw. - hey, jim. we got trent edwards on the line. - i've gotta go. - okay. - but u know what, team halpert, okay? you're gonna crush it. you're gonna smash it. okay. good luck. - bye. - god, she drank so much. and so quickly. - mm. in her prime, shirls could put away homemade schnapps morning, noon, and night. - [coughs and laughs] - now all it takes is 1/2 liter. she's dreaming. all right. let's get her out to the yard, so you can spray her down. - spray her down? - no, it's a lobetter than it sounds. there's a private shower area, very tasteful, very rustic. - hey. - come on in. have a seat. uh, thas for coming in. i just got to get something off my chest.

i just got some really weird news, and, uh, i'm just gonna come out and say it. i just got off the phone with my doctor, andurns out i contracted ch-lamydia from erin. and it's incurable. pretty lame, huh? - yeah. you were gone... - i knew it! - for a long time, andy. - you and erin are f... - andy, just so you know, there was no overlap. - no overlap? great. good. wow. this is suddenly so easy. guess what. you're fired. - what? - yeah. you are fired. one of the perks of being boss. i can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. and,ow, that turns out to be you.

yup, sorry. ♪ so you had a bad day - andy. - ♪ the camera don't lie - andy. - ♪ you're a big idiot, get out of my office ♪ - andy. - ♪ turns out you're fired ♪ because you suck and you're fired ♪ - if you want to talk to me... - ♪ you had a bad day - i'll be in the annex, all right? i'm gonna be in the annex. - [scatting] - toby. - [scatting] - toby. - you can't fire pete. you understand why, right? - no. - andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of nellie. you can't just get riof ople over grudges. - nellie was a professional grudge. this is a purely personal grudge. - all right, well, look, while i have you, this is a relationship disclosure form for pete and erin. - they already have a contract? "mutually agree to..." every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch.

- it's just boilerplate. you don't h to read it. - well, i'm not signing away my rights. - i already signed it. i was just showing you. - okay, well, we'll see about that. - andy, that's not the original. and destroying it will not stop them from dating. andy. it's the original. - ♪ if they're talking chester avenue ♪ ♪ talking triplex ♪ talking converting is that her? hey, guys. say something. i said-- - hello. - hi, i'm mark. - hi. pam. hello. - i'm the horrible boss around here, but please don't hire jamie foxx to kill me. ♪ django i don't agree with the use of the n-word in that movie. it's too soon. - i'm pam halpert. - oh. hi.

- they call me marky mark around here, because here at simon realty, we are one funky bunch. come on, you guys. raise the roof when i say that. what are you, all temps again today? [whistles] let's go, gangnam style. [laughs] he's heard gangnam style. he knows it. right? that's 'cause he's american. this is carl. he's, uh, from here. he's from... our neck of the woods. but gangnam style is great, isn't it? - oh, my god. he's michael scott.

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[ man ] adventure, it means taking chances. it means tryi sething new. [ woman ] just, that uncertainty of what's to come. [ man ] just kidding. ♪ can you please stop doing that? ♪ [ woman ] you walk outside in brooklyn, and it's cement and broken glass. and this is just like...

the opposite of that. ♪ the opposite of that. as it is a rec room with a bunch of computers in it. and fraly, if i had my way, i'd toss the computers in the "gar-bahge," but unfortunately, we use them for practically everything we do, so... that ain't gonna happen. he's a temp. don't worry about him. alice! all right. stay awake, okay? my aunt joan. oh, well, she--she worked here before i did, so there's no nepotism involve in fact, to be honest with you, i'm probably a little harder on her than i am on the rest of these people. can you not work on this? work on this month's. okay, nana? kiefer? hi. i, uh-- did you hear what i said about django earlier? 'cause i'm with spike lee on that. when i say, "chillax," people chillax.

watch this. hey, roger, chillax. he must not have heard me. - no. i heard you. - step this way for the spanish inquisition. kids in the hall. just-- it's not high pressure. it's just a little [brooklyn accent] cawfee talk. okay? like buttah. come on in here. mike myers. - [mouthing] oh, my god. - thank you. thanks. thanks a lot. really appreciate it. you guys were supposed to have my back, okay? instead, you let a guy named plop steal my girlfriend. - hey, boss, i did everything i could. i invited pete out for drinks. i emailed him shots of my junk. - ugh. - kid doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. - come on, andy. they're a good match. - that doesn't matter, okay? what matters is that i am hurt.

deep hurt inside of me. i don't care if they're romeo and freaking juliet. i feel like the guy that juliet dated before romeo. probably her boss. and ess what, juliet's boss also had feelings. - hey, andy. - what? - you got a booger bubble going on there. - sorry. - that's okay. - my whole life is a booger bubble. - this is a tiny resume. [inhales] papa smurf. come back to the mushroom. - [chuckles] - from the smurfs movie. - yeah. i've seen that with my kids. it is tiny. but i've actually been commissioned by the city of scranton to paint a mural-- - what does this say here? [speaking gibberish] what language is this?

swahili? oh, wait a second. now i can read it. - oh, 'cause it was upside-down. - you're a good audience. - so-- - unlike some of these people around here. - yeah. the city commissioned me to do-- - yeah, we don't have a lot of call for doodling around here. but iikthis resume, and here's why. it shows that you stick around. yeah, you don't jump ship easily like a lot of these people. [sighs] i mean, they-- they worship me, you know, but do they like me? i mean, do you think they like me, pam? - yes. - what if bob dylan was your boss? m gonna do dylan. ♪ ♪ pam halpert is my name ♪ i've been at dunder mifflin for... ♪

seven years? eight years. ♪ eight yrs, man ♪ got the dunder mifflin blues ♪ got the pam halpert blues ♪ got pratt-- went to pratt institute ♪ you have children? - two children, yes. - a you do art and painting? - mm-hmm. - kind of the same thing. ♪ kind othe same thing ♪ sometimes i repeat myself ♪ ♪ but that's just being pam ♪ ♪ ♪ well, i'm kinda cute ♪ and i'm... but i'm married, so... ♪ ♪ leave that be ♪ looking for-- l-look ♪ how does dylan do it? what if bruce springsteen was your boss? hey!

[lady gaga's just dance] ♪ [volume lowered] >> it's britney, bitch. and i am ck in e form of a new company-- the michael scott paper company.

okay. not gonna make this one. >> lthe hair. >> good morning, michael. >> hello. they took away my parking space, but they can't take away my pride. i would like to invite you all to come along with me on a journey. welcome... to the michael scott paper company. [cheerful music] ♪

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>> so, i thought we could check the customer list... and... then we could... >> you realize you're not actually talking to me, right? >> and... >> hey, kelly? >> yes, charles. you wanted me. >> oh, no, i meant-- i meant that kelly. >> the new receptionist is also named kelly. so kelly kapoor has decided to hover around my desk so that she can run into charles' office every time he calls for kelly. she thinks that if she says "you wanted me," enough, he will, in fact, want her. it's not the worst plan she's ever had.

>> oh, and, key... >> yes, charles... yes, you wanted me. >> okay, i'm gonna call you kapoor, okay. and you hannon. >> if we're changing names, can i be erin? it's my middle name. >> erin? okay. that's very pretty. >> thanks. >> well, you know what my middle name is? rajani ghanda-- and i hate it! i hate it! >> i thought rajani ghanda was a boy's name. [toilet flushes] >> we are in the heart of it. and the surge of water carries our businss ou the sea. >> what should we do now? >> we wait and hope that people show up to the pancake luncheon. i don't know. i think i have done absolutely everything you can do to prepare for the day. i've updated our contacts. i have gotten quotes from suppliers. i have sent out an e-vite for our big,

grand-opening pancake luncheon. six yeses, one maybe, only 11 nos. um, and 788 not yet replieds. but of that group, 782 have viewed it. i'm going to need... 800 of these on a nice, bright paper. it is a coupon for unparalleled customer service. >> i make that one copy and i become the girl who makes copies. and by the end of the day i'm receptionist again. and the worst part is, i like making copies. the paper comes out all warm and stuff. and it's cold in there, 'cause it's technically a closet. >> what do you think? >> let me check.

[blows sharply] oh, no! clearly a hunter... who knows how to throw an outfit together. >> thank you. yes, i am taking andy hunting after work. not long ago we were sexual competitors. i used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. i studied him to figureut why i hated him so much. but that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do. >> you should come in town this weekend, man. yeah, we'll hang out scranton style. >> hey, you said you were gonna be out of town this weekend. >> please don't listen to my phone calls. yeah, she's like, um... she'd probably be a six in new york, but she's, like, a seven here in scranton. then the boss is my old boss from dunder mifflin. is a small space. >> hey, jim, can i get a-- >> [chuckling] hi. >> hi. i need a rundown of your clients. n you give that to me? >> sure. >> yeah? >> yeah. >> okay. >> what the hell is a rundown? [knock on door]

>> when did you need that rundown by? >> as soon as possible. >> okay. >> just get it right. >> yeah. gotcha. of course. i'm gonnaive into the rundown. i'll be exhausted, 'cause it's like a triathlon. did you want to close this? close--keep it... >> oh. >> you know, there's a ghost in this office. >> really? >> a woman was murdered on this very floor in 1816. haddie mcgonagle. [whispering] she was a prtute. >> why was she in this building? >> no, this whole place used to be a brothel. there was a tavern on the ground floor. >> that's crazy. >> yeah, isn't it? she was bludgeoned to death by the business end of a riding crop. >> oh, my god. >> it was gruesome. they s she wal these hallways. if you ever feel a tapping on your shoulder, that could be haddie, begging for her life. and it could mean that you're next. >> oh!

[both cckling] >> just kidding. you finding everything okay? >> yeah. >> yeah? >> got some ice. >> [humming eerily] >> oh, this is awkward. [chuckles] >> oops. >> uh-oh. oh...oh! >> oh. whoops. [andy humming dance beat] so i'll see you guys around. oops. >> hey, buddy. [dance music on computer] >> hey, ryan, could you get to that copy from before? >> pam's better at that stuff. >> that is so insulting. >> how is it insulting to say that you're good at something? >> because the thing that you're saying i'm good at is pushing a big green button a bunch of times. >> i'm not judging it. it's like... i could run gm, but i couldn't fix a car. it's not saying that one is better than the other.

>> seriously? 'cause it sounds like one of those is better than the other. [music stops] >> what the hell?! >> listen, listen, listen, listen, listen! i need somebody to make a copy of this! because i don't make copies. i'm the boss. got it? i make originals. >> yeah, i make originals too. >> shut up. >> stop it. stop it! bickering.stop it! >> really. >> yeah. >> [voice through air vent] not much. what's up with you? no, it's okay. i'm in the bathroom. hey, you been watching damages this year? it's so good. no, you gotta tune in. it's as good as anything on hbo. hey, does blue go with tan? >>somebody just make the copy. >> like a blue shirt. i don't wear a lot of colors, but i have a lot of tan. uh-huh. >> just make that copy, okay? ♪ filming a card to send to the fam. ♪

♪ singing carol-oke with my best friends. ♪ ♪ hanging out with mom, ♪ making ninjabread men all day, ♪ ♪ oh oh oh oh ♪ that's my kind of holiday, ♪ oh oh oh oh ♪ what's your kind of holiday? it's back. olive garden's buy one, take one, just $12.99. choose one of five amazing entrees to enjoy today,

like smoked mozzarella chicken. and take home a second entrée for later. buy one, take one just $12.99. go oli garden. honey, don't use your sleeve. fold and flu season, there's clorox bleach.

you blink 60 percent less, which can dry out your eyes. but 9 out of 10 acuvue® oasys brand contact lens wearers say their eyes feel comfortable while in front of a computer. oh, my gosh, that's amazing. [ female announcer ] ask your doctor for acuvue® oasys brand. and see what could be®. for acuvue® oasys brand. >> seriously? this is what's so important, putting naked pictures on the desktop. >> that's me and my friend jasmine, from thailand. >> i don't want to look at your friend jasmine's boobs all day. >> you could be hot too if you made any effort at all. >> like how? dying my hair blonde?

>> this is from the sun. >> oh, yeah, i bet. >> they're getting on my nerves, mom. both of them. r thinks he's too good to b, and p is not as much fun without jim. >> michael, we can hear you. >> i'm on the phone. please. mom, i'm gonna have to cl you back. p is being a giant b. >> okay, it's my turn. >> no, don't take that. give that back. >> give it back for what? what are you gonna do with it? >> i'm gonna make a spread sheet. >> you're gonna make another spread sheet. yeah, exactly. it's my turn. come on! ryan! >> they always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends. [pam and ryan arguing loudly] and they are right. so i red my best friends. and this is what i get? >> hey, buddy, what are you up to? >> mmm, nerthin. [chuckles] >> [whispering] listen. when i saw you talking to erin earlier, i noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed. and i'm assuming a little bit of blood rushed into your penis. >> [scoffing]

>> well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well. so where does that leave us? >> the last thing i wanna do is step on your funk, man. >> and i yours. so i will cede her to you. >> no, that's ridiculous. >> no, no, no. >> look, you've been here longer. and besides, i'm a better wing man than i am a boyfriend, so... >> i just want you and i to hang out, you know. just...boom. >> listen up. it has come to my attention that some people in this office are not getting along with other people in this office. and i think i have come up with the reason why. this office space is too small. >> definitely. >> okay. there are four corners in this room. each corner is to be a psonal space