- for two hours, really? - so, you're concerned about peoples' long absence from their place of work. - if the shoe fits... ♪ yoruba yoruba - ♪ ruba yoruba - we were telling two different versions of the same story, and then everything just went numb. - well, i mean, that's okay. idoesn't mean that it's over, right? i mean, couples fight. when we were fighting, it weirdly felt like the relationship was still alive. and it wasn't until we stopped fighting that we realized it was over. it's over. i'm sorry, this is-- oh, my god, okay. we have to stop seeing each other le this. uh, we have to find a different way to communicate other than breaking down in front of each other. - yeah. - what? - at least my cryg won't get you fired. - crying? - i notice that you landed the scranton white pages account.

that is tremendous. - thank you. - [chuckles] and you sold it to jan, too, i mean... - yes. [laughs] - i'm impress. - [laughs] - well, there's one problem. ouldn'he but notice that you offered a price point that was not approved by the head office. so, gotta run that stuff by me, dwight. - you were on a boat. - i was... - on boat in the ocean. - okay, the issues that you need to run this stuff by me. cooli e we coolio? just say the word "coolio." - i'm not gonna say it - say it. - ot a word. - coolio. - no. [dial tone sounds] what do you think you're doing? - just gonna call the scranton white pages and clear this right up. - don't you dare, an. [phone line rings] - hello? - oh... - hey, jan. nard dog her - oh, an... - i wasust looking over the paperwork. i found a little hiccup. - really?.. - yeah, it apars my employee offered you a price that he was not authorized to. - hmm. - coolio. - seriously? you're calling me a few weeks after falizing our contract to gouge me now for mo money? is that what you're doing? - coolio. i'm coolio.

- no, no, non, i think you misunderstood. - yeah. - i'm coolio. - it's--it's actually just an issue-- - you know what, uh, nard dog? there is an opon in the contract that allows me to back out within 30 days of signing, so i would like to exercise tt option. - no, jan, please do not listen to this boob! member clark.e gave you everything. everything. - jan, i don't know what he's tki about, but-- - tell angela to send me final invoice. - uh-- [click, dial tone] - please, ja--ja-- - h... oh... that was not... how i had hoped that would go.

happy birthday! it's a paintg easel! the tide's coming in!

this is my favorite one. it's upside down. oh, sorry. (woman vo) it takes him places he's always wanted tgo. that's why we bought a subaru. (announcer) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru.

she can't control hersf around chocolate. she'll devour you. really? yeah, uh, thanks for introducing us. anything foa friend. ooh, strong grip! ow! ♪ ooh, strong grip! ow! - hey, everybody, gre job. listen, we're a smidge behind on my paychecks. - yes, well, as you know, we get paid on fridays.

and you haven't been here for 12 fridays. - all right. thank y very much. looking good. who's that little fella? - it's a bonus check for you from wallace. because theranch exceed its targets over the past quarter. - wow, that's wonderful. - quarter's three months. that's how long you've been gone. - mm-hmm. - mm-hmm. - mm-hmm. mm-hmm. thank you. great, well, we're all up to speed. - two seconds of the turd dog, and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen. - do y havany idea what i had to do to get that sale from jan? i mean, i went l out. all out. i mean like everything was out the whole week. - god, i just don't know hat we do. i mean, short of telling david wallac tht he was gone for three months... i'd like to rat out andy, but unfortunately i have a bit of a "boy who cried wolf" dynamic with david wallace. except instead of a boy i'm a man,

and instead of a wolf, i cried, "genetically-engineed monster wolf." - i'm not gonna rat on him. andy gave me a second cnce. so the least i could do is let somebodelse rat on him. meredith, why don't you? - meredith palmer ain't never been called no narc. floozy? yes. alkie? check. einstein sarcastically? you bet. but never no narc. vomit mop? sure. floor meat? that's me flesh hoover? hi. - hey-- - meredith, that's plenty. all right? that's more than plenty. why does no one stop her? - guys, i know that a lot of people are mad at , and believe me, i am too. but he has been through a lot, and we all used to love himright? so, if he's gonna get in trouble, just let it be hifault, not ours. i don't want that on my hands. - fine. coffs] the state he's in, wallace will take one look at him and probably fire him anyway. what's going on in here, dirty players? let's get back to busn' some paper rhymes.

- okay, i can tell you're mad at me. doou wanna just, um, i don't know, tell me why? - i don'tnow. i thought that was a little wed. you told me brian got fired fothe whole warehouse thing. and you intentionally leftut a kind of major intimate detail. i don't know, pam, i guess i just feel like a chump... who knows less about his marriage than the sound guy. - i didn't tell you about the crying because i didn't want you tow how upset i was. because it would've stressed you out, and you're always saying how much you don't want more stress. - yeah, well, yeah, okay. well, then thank you. thanks to both of you. - it's not brian's flt. - no, you're right. and i'm not m at brian. and to be honest, i probably don'have any reason to be mad at all because i wasn't there.

so let's just forget about . - okay. - i need you guys to tell me all thhighlits from the last three months in case david asks. just a few things i could spinkle into conversation. any b sales or office gossip? - well, we had the scrton white pages. - not helpful. let's stay posite, people. okay? - hey, guy - hey, david, w are ya? we we just having our weekly round table where we motivate each other. i'm not gonna lie--i get as much out of it as they do. - sounds great. don't let me interrupt. whatever you guys havbeen doing this last quarter, i couldn't be happier with the numbers. - thank you. - well, finish up. i'm gonna meet with val abo that warehouse guy you had to let go, and you and i will talk in 15 nutes? - great. - great job, everybody! - [quietly] we had tlet a warehouse guy go? - you know pam's mural well, frank-- - lit the whole thing on fire. it was crazy. - what? - yeah. there was a fire in the warehouse? - the whole thing is in ashes. fire depent was here. it was in all the papers. - oh... - this iwhat i'm talking about.

this would be good to know. all right, what else? - we started selling baoons. - what? - yeah. and, uh, kathy ireland signed on as the official spokesbabe of dunder mifflin. - no kidding. - yeah, in theuropean billboards, she's gonna be topless. - [chuckles] wow. go, kathy. she's like 50. - th're tasteful. - good, good. what else? "and what do you do?" "oh, i sell insurance like no one else." "oh, that's nice." "thank you." now, that's progressive. call or click today. it's back ive rde's buy one, take one, just $12.99. choose one of five amazing entrees to enjoy today, like smoked mozzarella chicken.

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mom swaps one of my snacks for a yoplait. i don't mind, i mean it's orange crème. and when mom said bobby was too edgy... 'sup girl. i just swapped him out for tyler. 'sup girl. mom never questioned bobby again. two can play at this game. [ female annncer ] swap one snack a week for a yoplait. and everybody wins. yoplait. it is so good.

and everybody wins. - who knew the balloon game would be so lucrative? and thank god, right? we needed the income after the fire. - what fire?

- the warehouse fire weren't you just down there? it's like burnt to ashes. - it looked fine to m - i am speg metaphorically, of course. you know iav lots of irons in t "fire." - mm-hmm. - well, that's one of 'em you know. making sure at the warehouse logistics is a well-oiled, properly-stoked fire. - okay. - think you'll agree i explained that pretty well. thanks, andy. - thank you. - all right. everyone. [rhythmic sounds] - the fish sounds great. - yeah, i guess. - really playing the scales, huh? - yeah, i don't know, it just sort of sounds like ise to me now. you think i need a new fish? - i don't love you anymore. - what? - i still like you. but you were gone a really long time, and you didn't really email me all thatuch.

you re-tweeted me a lot, to be fair. but i don't love you. - ay, i get it. you're unhappy. i've been gone a long time, and we lost a little bit of juju, but you and me, we hava future. there is a lot of lo here. - i just said there isn't lov - on your side. but there's tons on my side. it's gushing. we're just outtsync ight now. but that's ju timing, and what's timing? i mean, my parents lasted 30, 40 years. they were never happy at the same time. - i guess. - i mean, what do ave left? 35, maybe 40 years, if we're lucky? i mean, i have spent a lot of time in the sun. - you got reallyunburned. - i'm gonna be a prune in like three years. h... - i know you may not be feeling love for me right now, but if you fake it, i won'te able to tell the diffence. so i'll feel good. and then eventually, ybe, you'llctually start to love me again. - you really think we can get that back?

yes. come on. totally. - you know what? maybe we should cancel that bottle of wine tonight. - oh? - yeah, i just feel like i got a bunch of stuff to do in philly, and i'm sure you have stuff to do, so we can just... drop me at the bus station? - are you sure? - i just feel like we're gonnfight. - yeah - so... how 'bout let's not? - okay. - oh, ... happy valentine's day. sorry. i didn't have time to wrap it. - wow. i didn't kw you kept this.

- yeah. yeah. - thank you. - no problem. - i don't think you should go to philly tonigh i think that you should ay, and i think we should fight. - you really want to fight on valentine's day? - yeah, i do. - okay. all right, put yourukes up, beesly. - hi. - hey,ou okay? i couldn't do it. - oh. - i'm sorry. - oh, you don't have apologize. i jt--i just want you to be happy, okay?

[chuckles - we're breaking up. and just so you know, i waworried that you were dead. you we gone for three months. - andy? david. stl here. what was that about three months?

[phone rings] >> you gonna answer that, kev? [phone rings] >> rightthanks. under mifflin. this is kevin. please hold while i transfer you. oscar, your mom. >> charles is having kevin cover the phonefor a while. how do i say this diplomatically? i think kevin is doing exactly as ll as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that. >> please hold. andy, phone call. >> no, stay there. kev, thought we nailed the whole transfer thing earlie

> ah, i wrote it on my hand. but then i washed it. >> 's transfer, extension, then transfer again. >> okay. andy, get ready. >> here we go. >> exnsion, transfer. [phone rings] >> ah. >> oh, man. >> its 134. >> kev. >> kev, me on. hustle. >> you armurdering the nard dog. >> this is kevin. please hold, and i will transfer you [phe rings] >> you're bad at this too. >> don't answer tt call. >> just transfe the damn . >> your call is very important to us. please... [phone rings] >> hey! >> ho! [cheers and appuse] >> andy bernard. my maid died. [cheerful music] ♪

>> today's my first day my nejob at michael scott paper company incorporated. you know, apple computer started in a garage. and we're starting in a condo. so we already have a leg up onpple. look, it's offici. >> oh, good, my hooker's here. kidding. hi. >> michael, you were expecting me, right? >> yes, i was. yes, i was. >> are you wearing anything under the robe? >> that is inappropriate, pam. come on in. this looks great, michael. >> thank you. would you like some ench toast? >> ye please. >> what shape? >> square is fine. >> all right. >> just wanted to fill you in on a few dails. as you know, i will be running the branch whilwerch for michael's replacement, so please feel free to come to me with any questions or concerns. yeah. >> whe will you be staying while you're in scranton?

>>stay? in a hotel. >> charles, where were you born? >> actually, i meant questions more about the day-to-day operations of the company. okay. yeah? >> how are operations at the company? just day-to-day. >> okay, let's go over non-discretionary cuts. okay, guys? thank you. so... >> can you please stop that? >> what? >> you're breathing very heavily. >> this is how i breathe. >> no, it's not. >> if you have a problem-- >> okay, jim halpert. i neeyour eyes up front. >> oh, no, i was just... >> no, hey, hey. i just want to hear, "yes." >> yes. >> good. as i was saying. >oh, no, the new ss does not find jim adorable. oh. >> hat do you say we get started?

>after eaast. i'm full. >> so how you feeling about the new company? >> i feel good. wow. >> you excited about t new company? >> yeah, i'm excited to start the company. >> after breakfas >> we did that. so what's next? mhael, just stop for a second. michael, stop for a second. >> no, i'm whipping it. >> no, i know you a. >> just let go. >> just let me have the-- >> let go, please. just give m- >> fine. oh, i'm sorry. i'm sorry >> i can't do this. this is pathetic, ist it? i am such an idiot. i gave up the only job i ever loved too this? i have egg in my crocs. i feel weak today. i felt much stronger yesterday. like benjamin button in reverse. >> you know, michael, when i feel overeld... >> i'm not overwhelmed, pam.

>> i know. no, i'm saying that when i feel overwhelmed, something i like to do is make a list. make a list of things to do, and then start with the easy stuff. >> whatever calms you down. >>kay. first, work out. d, hey, look, youidt. check. eat an enormous breakfast. check. >> don't patrone me, pam. >> i think you should get dressed. >> i'm not getting dressed. i'm not gtiressed. i have too many things to do before i get dressed. i need to find 100 clients. >> chael, that seems impossible. >> it's totally impsible. >> we need toome up with one realistic thing that we could do today. >> assemble a sales team. a dream team. >> great. >> okay, ryan. >> no. what? why? >> he's everything i'not, and everything i am. he's the whole package. >> no, we're not nna hire ryan. >> um, oh, vikram best salesman i've ever m. >> ay.

>> he worked at at telemarketing place. >> wel find him. >> okay. oh, also, we have a meeting thisfternoon with potential investor. >> really? we have an investor aeady? >> maybe. barbara kevis. she invests in local businesses. and i'm putting together a little presentation for her. >> michael, that's faastic. >> yeah, i guess it's not so bad. got a few things cooking. um. >> hey. we need to get you dressed. i have doubts about this too. but when one person freaks out, sometimes it weirdly makes the other one calmer. that's one thing i've learned about relationships. i hate that i just used the word relationship. hey. you look great. let's go. >> all right. > ah. [chuckles] >> you a soccer fan? >> oh. oh, yeah. i'm so embarrassed. you weren't suppose to see this. this is like my secret obsession. >> wellthat makes two of us. >> no way. i hate soccer.

but guess who doesn't hate socce charles minor. >> i was actually in germany for the 2006 world cup finals. >> oh. you bastard. >> yeah. >> that should have been me. >> yeah, i love the sport. i love the sport. all right, man. >> cool. >>i've never been a kiss-up. it's just not how i operate. i mean, i've always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work. halfheartedly. >> next on the list, open the mail. >> , wow. michael scott paper company. okay. vy official. "dear mr. scott, "please be advised that it is in violation "of your condominium agreement "to conduct a business headquartered "in your residence. the penalty of forfeiture of residence..." >> no, okay. it's fine. it's fine. we're just gonna add, "find office."

>> how are we gonna find an office how can we pay for an office? >> nextn the list: song parodies. >> okay, okay. achy brky fart. >> great. let's sing it in the car. >> no, no, no. mystumps. lik my humps, but a guy with no gs. >> yeah. >> we can do this. >> we can do this. ♪ everyone that's still in town, ♪ ♪ is at friendsgiving, so come on down. ♪ ♪ the turkey's hot and the table's fu, ♪ ♪ join the party, everyone ♪ that's my kind of holiday. people find out state farm does car loans as well as they do insurance, our bank is through. good point. grab an edge. look there's two guys on the state farm borrow better banking sign. nope for real ere's two dudes on the state farm borrow better banking sign. [ reporter ] breaking news from the state farm borrow better banking sign... we're seeing two men that have climbed the borrow better banking sign gentlemen please get down from the state farm borrow better banking sign. phil get the hose. okay he's getting the hose. alright, l's go. [ male announcer ] talk to a state farm agent about car loans that can save you hundreds. that's borrowing better.

♪ with my redcard, i bring them all to life ♪ ♪ that's my kind of holiday. save big all seas long with 5% off plus free shipping with yourebit or credit redcard. >> whoa, d he just goes boom. >> yeah. >> score. >> that's pele. >> u know your scer, man. >> i prefer marona. diego maradona from argentina. >> i didn't know we had so many soccer fans in the office. >> i mean, to be fair, i was the first o to talk about it, but... > what about you, jim? are you a fan of the game? >> oh, no. no. not really. >> well, it's not for everybody, i suppose. [andy and charles laugh] >> that's 'cause i'm more of a player. >>yeah? >> you be >> really, jim. i had no idea you played socr. 'cause you never, ever talk about it. >> well, i do. > wow. >> i play. >> you can beo modest sometimes. >> maybe we should get bak to work. >> maybe you and charles should kick the soccer ball around.

>> maybe we will someday. maybe you will tonight after work. what do you say? >> that's a great idea, dwight. >> greaideas are just part of what i bring the table. [chuckles] i don't try and be anything that i'm not. >> what do you say, jim? huh? wanna play some socc? >> jim, what do you say? >> y, anybody else? >> i'm in it to win it. >> sounds fun. >game on. >> okay. >> see you on the fie there, bro. >> see you. >> see you on the fid. >> i can't wait. yu ised to play soccer in school. from second to fourth grade. i was on the orange team. >> we got vikram. >> you got m where are we going? >> we have a meeting with an investor today. >> yes, we do. so get excited. but i have to go to the baroom real quick. if you'll excuse me, i'll be right back. okay. >> he seemseally confident. >> he can be. >> confidce--it's the food of the wise man, but the liquor of the fool.

>> hmm. i'm looking forward to getting to know you better, vikram. >> hey, i would like a pair of size nine, please. it's michael. >> i'm swamped, michael. happy birthday to sally inane 27. >> okay, imagine a company that has no memory of your past miscduct because they have no files. >> he's taking a long time. is it possible he's bowling? i mean, you know him better than i do. >> yes. yes, it's possible. >> well, itas always been a lifelong dream-- >> michael. what's going on? >> i am-- >> hey, ryan. >> excuse me. yes? >> this wasn't onhe list. >> yes, it is. >> no. >> yes. >> it's not. >> it is. >> when did you add this to the list? >>pam, everyone deserves a cond second chance. ryan, just out of curiosi,

how much do youet paid here? >> $60,000 a year. >> you get paid by the year at the bowling alley? >> whato you make, secretary? >> back to work, shoe bitch. >> i told you guys, i'm really busy here. >> would you like to come to work for the michael scott paper company? >> what size shoes are yoguys? >> uh, nine. >> what are those? a men'ten? >> no. >> look what he's doing. >> what is doing >> he's stealing 'em. okay, okay. >> oh, my gosh. > he's already paying himself. >> sorry! >> where is it? right here. >> hey, come on, guys, the are prime selling hou, you know. >> minor... >> oh, there he goes >> sees his partner, halpert... >> yikes. >> he looks up, defend doyle... >> oh, man. >> he shuts him up. hehuts him up. yeh. >> both: oh! >> goal. >> man, i can't wait to play with you. >> oh, it's gonna be the... worst. >> do you guys wannhear about thailand? >> oh, yeah. >> sure

>> it was indescribable. >> sounds awesome. >what sort of investing club is this? >> vikram, you ask a lot ofueionsand i like that. >>hey, nana. hi. >> [silently] nana? >> michael. >> people turn to their families allhe time when they need help starting out. and if my nana's investment club can help the michael scott paper company become a reality, then i'm sure that's what she would have wanted. does want. well, i'm sure that you must all have very, very busy schedules, so i appriate you meeting with us here today. what this is is a business that i have worked toward my entire life. hey. i have assembled what i believe to be the most exciting, sought-after talent ithe industry today. ladies and gentlemen, i present to you the dream team. from our very own scranton, pennsylvania, pam beesly. pretty pam is always reaching for the stars, and someday she may just surprise us all

and grab one. et vikram. from his humb beginnings as a--stay standing-- from his humb beginnings as a ominent sueon, he risked it all toecome the most successful telemketer in the lipophedrine industry. and do not call it a comebac the youngest vice president in the history of dunder mifflin and recent bowling alley employee, ryan howard is about to make a splash in paper. >> so let's hear it. >> okay. >> i have spent the last 15 years learning the ins and outs of the paper industry. with a lean, mean figing crew and low overhead, i think i can perform the same business at a much, much higher rate of profit. how do you expect to turn a rofit in this economy? >> by wantingt re. by working ha. >> what's your mission stateme? >> my msion is stated as follows: